Review : Before I Die
Before I Die by Jenny Downham
Pages : 327
Genre : Young Adult
My Rating : 
Tessa has just months to live. Fighting back against hospital visits, endless tests, drugs with excruciating side-effects, Tessa compiles a list. It’s her To Do Before I Die list. And number one is Sex.
Released from the constraints of ‘normal’ life, Tessa tastes new experiences to make her feel alive while her failing body struggles to keep up. Tessa’s feelings, her relationships with her father and brother, her estranged mother, her best friend, and her new boyfriend, all are painfully crystallised in the precious weeks before Tessa’s time finally runs out.
Personal Thoughts : So I finished reading this last night, and for various reasons I knew I had to review it on the spot (which means my review for The Widow’s Season will be #51 instead of #49.)
I try not to talk about my personal life and problems on my blog and keep it strictly bookish, but in this case, I can’t really avoid it. There were two reasons that made this book really hard for me to read (I still wonder why I picked it up). The first is that, two years ago, one of my friend’s 12 years-old boy died of cancer, and even though I wasn’t by his side when it happened, it still hurt.
The second reason is that I’m a hypocondriac, and I react really badly to other people’s sickness (with stress and imaginary symptoms and panic attacks). I know I’ve more or less joked about my OCD, but I don’t want you to imagine that I’m whining about my numerous problems either; if you think about it, they’re all linked together and I still have a very normal life. I used not to be able to hear the word “cancer” on the radio without being covered in sweat, and today I managed to read a whole book about a dying girl; I think I’ll be okay. 😉
Now that’s out of the way, on with the review :
Review : It’s hard to critisize a book with such a difficult subject; I’m far from being heartless and from the start I knew there’d be tears in the end. The book’s premise reminded me of the movie My Life Without Me, which was one of the most poignant movie I have ever seen (I cried, literally, for hours after seeing it.)
Sadly though, the book didn’t meet my expectations. I had the hardest time feeling something for the characters, especially for Tessa. I know that living both the sickness and her teenage years at the same time has to be one of the most difficult situation. Tessa started being sick at 12, when she was barely more than a child, and dies close to 17, when she’s almost an adult. Her whole teenage years have been spent worrying, being sick, receiving treatments, etc. It’s not an easy situation, and I wouldn’t have wanted of a perfect heroine who deals with her imminent death with optimism and such… but Tessa just acted like a spoiled child who barely thought about anyone but herself.
Of course, this brings a few questions. What if you knew you had only a short time to live? How far would you go? What’s the limit between what you can and can’t do?
I don’t have an answer, really, but my guess is that the limit should be in between what you want to do and what will affect the people who love you. Tessa’s attitude was often selfish, hurting (emotionally) her father, her brother, and her friend (who wasn’t any more likeable). I didn’t want to blame her, but I thought; can we excuse anything because of her sickness? Can we excuse it more because she was a teen who didn’t get to experience anything from life? I’m sure that children and parents could have very different views on that subject.
The last few chapters of the book were the most difficult to read, but they were so well written! I felt that finally, Tessa was showing some depth, another side of her personality that was more likeable. It was sad and felt like a punch through your heart; it’s an ending that makes you want to go out and live the present day.
In the end, I thought the book was okay. I would have loved to see Tessa’s nicer side appear sooner in the book, and see her surrounded by a stronger cast of characters. What I would say though (and you probably noticed while reading my review), is that this book is a great book for discussion. There are so many questions around that theme, and no definite answer to be given. This certainly makes the book worth the read.
This sounds like an interesting one. Sorry to hear about your personal reactions to illness, I’m sure there are many people like that, but I’m glad you managed to get through this book.
It’s funny you said it reminded you of the film, My Life Without Me, because the moment I read the plotline, that’s exactly what I thought.
Perhaps Tessa seems immature and spoilt during the first half of the book because she’s 12-14? Maybe the later chapters are better because she matures with age. 🙂
Great review!
My Life Without Me is such a brilliant movie. Have you seen The Secret Life of Words? Also made me cry like a baby, but for different reasons.
Anyway, it’s too bad this book wasn’t as good as you expected it to be. It does sound like it raises some important questions, though.
Wonderful review, Kay. The “personal thoughts” of the reviewer are often the most interesting to me — knowing what a reviewer brings to a book that changes the way he/she perceives it. You’re definitely a strong person!
You bring up an interesting point, too — should Tessa be excused absolutely anything because she’s young, and dying? Should she be “allowed” to say terrible things, act out, etc.? Of course, I don’t have an answer for that — and I hope I’m never in a situation personally to where I’d have to answer that. But it’s really intense to think about!
I don’t think it’s wrong of you to criticize a book even if its subject matter is very serious. I think a lot of books/movies work on the short-time-to-live premise, and not all of them can be well done. But I can understand your relunctance. Like the subject is good, but the execution was disappointing.
Last December I read a book called The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, which was a memoir from the former editor of Elle magazine. What was so special was he dictated the memoir by blinking because he’d had a stroke and had locked-in syndrome. The manner of “writing” the book was just about miraculous. However, the book itself had almost nothing interesting to say, and I didn’t like the guy I was reading about. I felt really bad criticizing the book, though, because of how amazing it was just to exist.
Okay sorry, here I am talking about my own experiences…sigh. Sorry. Anyway, I think you’re okay to be a bit disappointed.
I had a similar reaction when I read this book too. At times found her to be extremely selfish but then I had to ask myself, what would I do in her situation? I’ve never heard of that movie but it sounds like something I’ll need to watch. Thanks for giving us some insights into your own personal life and how it had an impact on your reading this particular book.
Wow. This sounds amazingly deep.
Kay –
I agree with Megan – the personal life experiences in the review often makes me feel more connected. Not just to the blogger themselves, but for book. Reaction based on experience has as much merit as reaction on the prose.
(Also, I am someone who constantly has to keep her OCD in check. Although mine peaks at high stressed times and it usually reveals itself in the multiple checking of the stove, back door, front door, etc. In fact, I’ve been known to turn the car around to go through the process all over again).
Now to the book. Hmmm…it *is* unfortunate that is sounds as though Tessa had no redeeming qualities. I could see a child acting out, but even facing death, one hopes that a character finds growth and attempts to die with dignity/sincerity/lack of better word and struggling here, so I hope you know what I mean.
I will probably pass on reading this, but thank you for the review and sharing.
Wow, I think I would have to be in the right mood to read a book like that. A lot of times we think we know how we’d react to a certain situation, but we really don’t know until we live it. This sounds like a powerful book.
It’s difficult to LIKE a book when the main character annoys you – this is what I felt through the Twilight books (I never saw Bella as endearing in anyway, she just annoyed me), but it sounds like this book has some crazy discussion potential, which probably made the read worthwhile. I’ll think about adding it to my “to read” list, but it will probably be a low priority read for now. Thanks for the great review.
I’ve been wondeirng about this book, and I have a feeling that if I read it, I”ll probably become a blubbering mess. Thanks for the review!